due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
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*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Diabetes was the God of sugar.