Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
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My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed