Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
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“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*