[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
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Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍