Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
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I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’