i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
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Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo