My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
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If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs