i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
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That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!