*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
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Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
I was told to be more optimistic so I鈥檝e decided french fries aren鈥檛 bad for me.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I鈥檓 not going. That鈥檚 exercise.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped鈥n case any of you were on the fence about having children.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I鈥檓 thinking new cabinets
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Guilty! 馃お
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I don鈥檛 usually sing Adele, but when I do, it鈥檚 usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men鈥檚 washroom at work.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
#Thanos #MondayMood
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don鈥檛 spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.