I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
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plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
79.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now