Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
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[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Ferrari squats
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.