Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
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“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Phonetics
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.