What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
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[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Cats are still liquid.