5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
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FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.