forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
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My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
So, can we agree on 4 or
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.