Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
You Might Also Like
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
prepare for carbonated trouble
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.