*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
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hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
SCARY COSTUME
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.