why he move like a hotel transylvania character
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When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.