I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
You Might Also Like
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Okey dokey.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift