what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
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Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
need him
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.