Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
You Might Also Like
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
This is a bad sign
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/