Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
You Might Also Like
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh