“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
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Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.