I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
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Here’s a meme
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
why isn’t thunder called soundning
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle