I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
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If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Your secret is safeish with me
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes