Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
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If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class