Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
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chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Kidney stones? Hard pass
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.