When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
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Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.