wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
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I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you鈥檙e like ok u will be bread now
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
kevin is now a local weatherman
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 馃槓
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you鈥檝e legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated鈥攁nyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I鈥檓 not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time