Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
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Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Breaking news:
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
me after drinking all the wine:
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Said the murderer.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
hmmm
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.