Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
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(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
God, I love Scotland
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
*praying for world peace*
God:
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.