why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
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Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Love is always patient and kind.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣