As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
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King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an 脺ber.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn鈥檛 have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I still can鈥檛 believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don鈥檛 even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I keep every love note I鈥檝e ever written because one day I鈥檒l have grandchildren who will find them and it鈥檒l fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you馃槶.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
I鈥檓 at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Life hack
what day is it?
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
barbara was highly relatable
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.