I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
You Might Also Like
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito