Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
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6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY