“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
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Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
TODAY
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today