the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
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ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.