birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
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Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
it’s finally my moment to shine
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.