Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
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“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH