Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
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Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.