Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
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There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case