My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
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Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I mean…but I did
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.