Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
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[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
“you changed” bro i was 15
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”