13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
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When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
getting old is fun
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
So we got a goldfish…
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me