I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
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The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then