Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
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Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
*pronounces fake like saké*
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.