DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
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Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
This is my pinned tweet
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.