Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
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PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Van Gone
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…