coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
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When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.