I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
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When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.